Being A Father by John Henry Lee:
Are any of us the father we want to be or wish we'd been? I doubt it. Most of the Dads I know do the best they can, relatively speaking.
The flip side of the coin is that there are some pretty sorry fathers. Amazingly, so many kids constantly are searching for their fathers, literally or figuratively, regardless if they were good or bad; there's something about wanting to know your real Dad: amazing.
I first encountered it when I was part of a group that started the organization, Vietnam Veterans Southeast Asia Children's Project, mostly working with Amerasian (mothers are Asian and fathers mostly American GIs) kids: all of them wanted to find their American fathers who didn't want anything to do with them. Pretty sad, but understandable.
I remember one vet I located --he was so outraged that I would contact him because he had his own life now, wife, kids,etc. Vietnam was over forever and he doubted if the kid was his anyway. (I actually wrote a play about my encounter with him; and, if I ever get any big money, I'm going to produce it.)
Let's face it: In a real sense, the greatest job; or, at least the second (Mother first maybe) that anyone would ever have, is being a father. My own Dad was terrific; and, even today, I hear many things inside my head from him.
Recently, I was in a situation, not so much with me, but with a friend and I said, "The only thing I know to tell you is an expression my Dad used all the time: 'You might as well laugh as cry.' " I was amazed at hearing myself saying, "You might as well laugh as cry." I had not thought of the expression in years; and yet, when I needed the cogent comment, there was my Dad. Also, someone said to me recently, what was your first memory? Hands down it was when my Dad "whipped the daylights out of me" for cursing. I was about six.
There is a concept that we invent the parent of our childhood. I don't know. I do know that my older brothers and I have a somewhat different view of our Dad. I was the youngest, hung out with him lots and listened to his stories. He was a great storyteller and I listened over and over to the same one which always varied just a shade each time. From what I hear from my brothers, I got the best of him. When they were younger, putting bread on the table and making sure there was a future i.e., in other words, surviving consumed much of my Dad's time. When I came along, those things were more or less secured I think or maybe my Dad was just a little more easy-going with his sixth child, who knows.
But, I am a product of my own Dad and my children are of me. Please God, I hope I've done a good job, the most important one I'll ever have. Happy Father's Day and a special Hoooo-aaaaah to all the fathers in the armed forces who are away from their children this year.
JHL
A Father Anguishes About His Son Serving In Iraq:
Originally Posted June 20 2004.
In the San Francisco Magazine section last Sunday, there was this personal story about a parent whose son is a Lieutenant in Iraq. He started it off with the sentence, "Somewhere there must be a parenting book with a section titled: When your child goes to war." It was very moving.
The Father went on to tell how he and his wife hang on every news account of Iraq; and, when soldiers are killed, how they die a little themselves, searching out the areas where their son might be. They basically know much more than parents did in past wars because of the Internet and email, etc.; "good and bad," he says.
He says so many things remind him of his son, the youngsters having fun in San Francisco while his own son is out dusty, dirty, fighting, dodging bullets; The father wants to scream out, "How dare you laugh when my son is doing what you should be doing."
He also told about sitting with parents at a high school track meet. They were anguishing about their children's upcoming SAT tests. He wanted to tell them he'd be glad to trade his worries for theirs.
I liked his idea of fear being replaced with pride. His son, was an airborne ranger doing his duty, at least as he saw it. One of the best concepts of the article was when his friends asked him, what did his son think of the war. "How can I explain," he says, "Soldiers in combat don't ask such questions. They are there, doing what they've been trained to do, their jobs."... The article continues on to convey the fathers thoughts on soldiers dying in war:
"This is a brutal truth" he said, "When U. S. soldiers are killed, I can only hope it's somebody else's kid. It gives me no pleasure to say that, but it's the brutal truth."
JHL
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